lava lamp

Just hyperventilated thinking about Yumi. It was such a mix of emotions - loss, appreciation, relief, release, possession, worry, pride - all flowed through me. Well, some flowed thru, but some stayed and caused a hint of pain. I knew that I had to let them go to relieve the pain, but I didn't want to. I wanted to marinate in them and smile at it. Soak it in and enjoy feeling.

And I can bring it back again too. I just have to think about the morning I left her at the airport in Cataclan. Same shit then but powerful! this was just an aftershock and I hope for many more.

The smile grows as I feel the pain swelling up inside me as I attempt to keep her memory there. Then comes the release in the form of laughter and tears. The smile also reminds me that I can't hold the beauty. the beautiful things held onto and possessed will dissolve the container from the inside, so the release is necessary. I just release a little, and it feels so beautiful coming out that I try to grab it again and the pain swells up again to another shortbreathed, joyous release. World without end if I choose it to be