lava lamp

Just hyperventilated thinking about Yumi. It was such a mix of emotions - loss, appreciation, relief, release, possession, worry, pride - all flowed through me. Well, some flowed thru, but some stayed and caused a hint of pain. I knew that I had to let them go to relieve the pain, but I didn't want to. I wanted to marinate in them and smile at it. Soak it in and enjoy feeling.

And I can bring it back again too. I just have to think about the morning I left her at the airport in Cataclan. Same shit then but powerful! this was just an aftershock and I hope for many more.

The smile grows as I feel the pain swelling up inside me as I attempt to keep her memory there. Then comes the release in the form of laughter and tears. The smile also reminds me that I can't hold the beauty. the beautiful things held onto and possessed will dissolve the container from the inside, so the release is necessary. I just release a little, and it feels so beautiful coming out that I try to grab it again and the pain swells up again to another shortbreathed, joyous release. World without end if I choose it to be

5:00am thoughts

people think theyre special and they are. everybody reacts differently to every situation. its fun to watch my friends talk about cream soda and Big Jim and other things that they miss from home. Crystal Pepsi. Dan keeps tryin to fuck with me while wearing my sweatshirt. Holland with the stripes down the sleeves. "get on there and give me a quote" as he picks up the guitar. tuning, exploring. "u takin requests?" talking again, tuning still, wanting more beer. i don't drink it. and grapejuice i don't drink also. walkin lookin around seein shit feelin the rhythm hearin the sounds couldnt get myself to the store. still playin. and listenin. "have we met? im not sure." im dan. yeah i know, im jeff. oh yeah i remember. oh Br**n ^e) comes up again. he always talks about pussy and cocks. still playin. muther fucker placatin thinkin im stupid. gives me the baby crocodile and expcts me to respond to his question later on. wants some chicken but needs some help to order. not gonna call for them. steak between our friendship.